None of these need violence to count. The absence of a clear yes is a no, and abusers know exactly how to blur those lines.
Why Women Don’t Realize It’s Abuse
So many survivors tell themselves: “I didn’t say no out loud.” Or “I gave in eventually, so maybe it was consent.”
Let me make this clear:
- Consent given under pressure isn’t coWhen people hear “sexual abuse,” they usually imagine a stranger in a dark alley, holding someone down. That may be the stereotype, butthe most common kind of sexual abuse doesn’t happen with strangers. It happens in relationships by men trusted by women.
Many women don’t even realize what they went through was sexual abuse. Because if you didn’t scream “no,” or if you were married, or if you didn’t fight back, society tells you it doesn’t count. That confusion keeps women silent, ashamed, and questioning their own reality.
In this post, I’m going to break down what sexual abuse in relationships really looks like, why so many women don’t recognize it at first, and how abusers twist intimacy into control.
What Counts as Sexual Abuse in a Relationship?
Sexual abuse is any sexual act that happens without your full, informed, and freely given consent. That includes:
- Pressure, guilt, or coercion (“If you loved me, you’d do it.”)
- Marital rape, even if the law or community refuses to call it that
- Initiating sex while you’re sleeping or intoxicated
- Removing a condom without your consent (stealthing)
- Withholding affection as punishment, or using sex as a bargaining chip
- Degrading “jokes” or commentary about your body during or after sex
- Recording sexual activity without your permission without your consent
- Demanding painful or humiliating acts while dismissing your discomfort
- Giving in because you’re afraid of his anger isn’t consent.
- Freezing during sex because you’re scared isn’t consent.
A lot of women grew up hearing that once you’re married, sex is your “duty.” That denying sex makes you a “bad wife.” That men “need it” and it’s your job to provide it. When that’s the background noise in your culture, it’s no wonder so many women don’t realize they’ve been sexually abused until much later.
The Abuser’s Mindset
Here’s what abusive men think: pressure isn’t coercion. They’ll say, “I’m not forcing you, I’m just asking.” But they’re not asking. They’re wearing you down until “no” feels impossible. They tell themselves your body belongs to them, that marriage is a license, that “she didn’t say no” means yes.
Some go even further by initiating sex when you’re asleep or half-conscious. Others spike drinks, push wine, or encourage drugs under the guise of “loosening up.” Online, you’ll even see “jokes” about giving your wife a few glasses of wine to get her in the mood. Those aren’t jokes,. they’re confessions of entitlement.
And that’s the mindset: entitlement. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner with autonomy. He sees you as supply.
The Confusion of Marital Rape
Marital rape is one of the most silenced forms of abuse. Some countries still don’t even recognize it as a crime. But whether or not the law names it, reality does: if you can’t freely say no without consequence, your yes isn’t real.
I’ve had women say, “I thought that was just part of marriage.” Or, “I didn’t realize I could refuse.” That’s exactly why abusive men get away with it by relying on the silence, the shame, and the lack of awareness to keep taking what was never offered.
Overlaps With Other Abuse
Sexual abuse in relationships rarely happens in isolation. It’s usually part of a bigger web. Maybe the sex comes after hours of verbal degradation. Maybe it’s tied to financial control – “If you want money for groceries, you need to show me you love me.” Maybe it’s layered with physical abuse, like being restrained or threatened.
Abuse is never about sex itself, it’s about domination. Sex just becomes another weapon.
The Aftermath
Sexual abuse leaves scars you can’t always see. Some survivors feel numbness or disconnection during intimacy with safe partners later. Some struggle with shame, guilt, or questioning whether they “let it happen.” Some avoid relationships altogether because their body associates intimacy with danger.
Your body remembers even when your brain tries to minimize it. If you’ve ever frozen during sex, felt dissociated, or replayed the guilt afterward, that wasn’t your fault. It was the impact of abuse.
Why Naming It Matters
Naming it matters because abusers count on your silence. They count on you blaming yourself, or believing it doesn’t “really” count because you were married, or because you gave in eventually.
But coercion is abuse. Pressure is abuse. Initiating while you’re asleep is abuse. Recording you without consent is abuse. Withholding affection as punishment is abuse. All of it counts,nd none of it was your fault.
Sexual abuse doesn’t always look like a violent stranger in the dark. More often, it looks like the man you loved twisting intimacy into obligation. It looks like pressure, shame, guilt, and entitlement. And the silence around it is exactly why it needs to be named.
This post is part of my series, The 8 Types of Abuse, for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In the next post, I’ll cover psychological abuse in relationships – the mind games, gaslighting, and contradictions that leave you doubting your own reality.
If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing, let me guide you through my Break & Rebuild Method inside my Trauma Bond Recovery Course. My proven framework has helped thousands of women leave abusive men and rebuild their lives on their terms.
