One of the most confusing terms you’ll ever hear in the domestic violence space is “reactive abuse.” Some people think it means when the abuser “reacts” out of his own trauma. Others think it means “mutual abuse” – that both partners are equally toxic. Neither is true. And honestly, the name itself is part of the problem.
The actual definition has always been about the victim – about your reaction when you’ve been pushed too far. It describes how you can look like the abusive one, when really, you were reacting to abuse. That’s why I don’t use the phrase “reactive abuse.” I call it what it is: a reactive response.A reaction under pressure isn’t abuse, it’s survival.
What Experts Say
According to Verywell Mind, reactive abuse happens when someone who’s been abused lashes out in verbal or physical ways – and then the abuser flips the script, pointing to that outburst as “proof” that you’re the problem.
The Greene County Family Justice Center explains that victims often question themselves after these reactions, wondering if they’re “just as bad” as their abuser. That’s the point – abusers want you to feel guilty and ashamed so you stop trusting your own reality.
Other advocates suggest terms like “reactive defense,” because the word “abuse” unfairly shifts blame onto the victim. The National Domestic Violence Hotline makes it clear: abusers twist these moments to create the illusion of “mutual abuse.” But mutual abuse doesn’t exist – the power imbalance is never equal.
What It Looks Like in Real Life
Let’s say he follows you from room to room while you’re begging for space. You finally scream to get him out. From the outside, it looks like you “lost control.”
He insults you for hours – “You’re lazy, you’re worthless” – until you throw something just to make it stop.
He lies to your face about something you know is true, and when the fury boils over, you explode.
He stonewalls you for hours, refusing to speak, until your nervous system can’t take it anymore.
To outsiders, it might look like you’re the aggressor. Inside, it feels like being trapped in a no-win scenario until your body can’t hold the pressure anymore.
The Nervous System Piece
Here’s why it happens: Under threat, your body has four main survival responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Most women in abusive relationships live in freeze and fawn. You shut down, you appease, and try to avoid conflict.
But sometimes, your system flips into fight. That’s the moment you yell, slam a door, or say something cruel you regret. Not because you chose to be abusive, but because your nervous system screamed “enough.”
Here’s the cruelest part: that fight response is exactly what he was waiting for. He records it. He tells your friends, “She’s crazy.” He tells your kids, “Mom has anger problems.” He tells the court, “Look at her temper.” He uses it as cover for everything else he’s doing.
Why It’s Not Abuse
This is where the shame hooks in. After one of these blow-ups, you collapse and think, “Oh my god, I sounded just like him.” Or worse: “Maybe I’m the toxic one.”
That’s exactly what he wants you to believe, but the truth is,your reaction doesn’t erase his abuse. Your explosion doesn’t make you the abuser. If anything, it proves how far he pushed you.
Abuse isn’t about who yells louder. It’s about intent, consistency, and control. He engineers these moments to make you look bad. You reacted under pressure. Those two things are not the same.
The Setups You Don’t See Coming
Sometimes the traps are obvious, but often, they’re subtle. He deliberately mispronounces your name until you snap. He touches you in ways he knows you hate until you shove him away. He accuses you of cheating over and over until you finally scream, “Shut up!”
These aren’t accidents. They’re setups – designed to provoke you into giving him the outburst he can then use as ammunition.
Watch: The Science Behind a Trauma Bond
The Emotional Cost
The aftermath of a reactive response is brutal. The shame, the guilt, the feeling like maybe you’ve “become” the very thing you hate. And because only he sees that side of you, it deepens the trauma bond – the sense that he’s the only one who knows the “real you.”
But hear me: that moment does not define you. It was a nervous system pushed to the breaking point by a man who wanted you to break.
You were abused, and you reacted. That is not the same thing.
Reactive responses are one of the most misunderstood pieces of abusive relationships. Survivors get painted as “mutual participants,” when in reality, they’re reacting to engineered traps. While the name “reactive abuse” stuck in the advocacy space, the truth is clearer when we strip away the shame: it’s a response, not abuse.This post is part of my series, The 8 Types of Abuse, for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you’re ready to take back your clarity and rebuild your self-trust, check out my Trauma Bond Recovery Course. My Break & Rebuild Method will walk you step by step through breaking the cycle and learning to trust yourself again.
