When people think of abuse, they often picture physical violence. But words can be violent too. Verbal abuse is one of the most common – and most underestimated – forms of abuse in relationships. It doesn’t leave bruises, but it leaves scars on your confidence, your self-worth, and your ability to feel safe in your own skin.
What makes verbal abuse so insidious is thatit can look like a screaming match, or it can sound like a “joke.” Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it’s subtle. Either way, it’s designed to cut you down and keep you under control.
What Is Verbal Abuse?
Verbal abuse is the use of words as weapons. It’s language used to dominate.
It can look like:
- Insults about your intelligence, appearance, or worth
- Yelling, screaming, or shouting you down until you’re silent
- Threats like “You’ll regret this,” “I’ll ruin you,” or “No one else will ever want you”
- Humiliation, especially in front of others
- “Jokes” at your expense, often followed by, “You’re too sensitive”
- Constant criticism that leaves you feeling like nothing you do is good enough
Verbal abuse is about creating fear, shame, or humiliation – all without ever lifting a hand.
The Subtle Side of Verbal Abuse
Not every example of verbal abuse is loud. Sometimes it’s the quiet digs that wear you down. “Wow, you’re really going to wear that?” Or, “I mean, you’re pretty, but…” Or, “You’d never survive without me.”
Other times it’s delivered with a smile.
“Just kidding.”
“Lighten up.”
“You can’t take a joke.”
But you’re not laughing, because you know the “joke” was a knife.
This is where society often fails women. Outsiders will say, “Oh, he’s just joking,” or “All couples bicker.” But you know the difference because you know the sting that stays after the laughter fades.
Verbal Abuse as Threats
Verbal abuse also includes threats – not just threats of violence, but threats of abandonment, humiliation, or exposure.
“If you leave, I’ll take the kids.”
“If you don’t do what I want, I’ll tell everyone your secrets.”
“If you ever cheat on me, I’ll kill myself.”
These words are weapons. They trap you in fear and responsibility that isn’t yours. And unlike a shove or a slap, they leave no proof – which is why abusers rely on them.
The Impact of Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse doesn’t just hurt in the moment, it rewires the way you see yourself. When someone you love constantly tells you you’re worthless, crazy, or unlovable, part of you starts to wonder if they’re right.
Many survivors describe the voice of their abuser lingering long after they’ve left. That voice shows up when they look in the mirror, when they make a mistake, or when they start a new relationship. That’s how deep words can cut.
Why Verbal Abuse Is Overlooked
So why do people dismiss verbal abuse? Because it doesn’t leave marks. To an outsider, it sounds like “just arguing” because our culture has normalized men yelling at women as “anger issues” or “stress.”
But here’s the truth: yelling at your boss would get you fired. Yelling at a cop would get you arrested. He knows how to control it when he wants to. If he unleashes it on you, it’s not because he “lost control,” it’s because he chose to.
The Connection to Other Abuse
Verbal abuse rarely happens alone. It’s often the first stage of escalation, softening you up for psychological, financial, or physical abuse. A shove may follow an insult. A financial demand may follow a verbal threat. The words set the stage for everything else.
Why Naming It Matters
If you’ve ever told yourself, “It’s just words, it’s not that bad,” I want you to stop. Words can destroy your confidence, isolate you from support, and keep you locked in fear. That is not “just arguing,” that’s abuse.
Naming it matters because it forces the truth into the light. It helps you stop minimizing what’s happening. And it reminds you that no matter how calm he looks afterward, the words he chose to use against you were still violent.
Verbal abuse is violence in communication. It’s yelling, insults, threats, humiliation, and jokes that aren’t jokes. It doesn’t leave bruises, but it leaves scars that can take years to heal.
This post is part of my series, The 8 Types of Abuse, for Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In the next post, I’ll cover financial abuse in relationships – one of the most universal forms of abuse, and one of the least understood.
If this resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. And if you’re ready to take back your clarity and rebuild your self-trust, check out my Trauma Bond Recovery Course. My Break & Rebuild Method will walk you step by step through breaking the cycle and learning to trust yourself again.
